Friendships, Realities and Depression

We’ve enjoyed the fellowship of some dear friends, the Longsine family, the past few days. Oh, how good it was to laugh together, enjoy each other’s company and share in the woes and joys of parenting children. We treasured the moments with them, and the days flew by. Roger was working a lot, but we did manage to sneak in a double date. Beka and I were talking that the day had finally arrived that we could leave our kids at home for a bit while we went out for a date...it’s hard to believe that day had arrived! Beka and Jared were able to hop on a mail flight out to one of the islands, so that was fun. We also spent time at the beach, time hiking, lots of time prepping and eating food, swimming, and lots of laughter. 

Sunday marked the day of Kevin’s Celebration of Life service. It was a hard, hard day. There were a lot of people that testified to the character trains that marked Kevin’s life. While the service was a bit long for the children, they did very well siting through the speakers. The celebration of life was held in a hanger at the airport, which was a great spot as the airport held such a spot in Kevin’s heart. The day was very warm, but it was a blessing to me to listen to others tell stories of Kevin’s character and who he was as a person. Also... there was so, so much food at the luncheon afterwards! I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a large amount of food- so many choices! I helped serve food at the luncheon, and Roger took the kids home in the afternoon while I stayed to help clean up from the luncheon. Deciding what to do with all the food was certainly a challenge. We were able to take some food home and that was a big blessing as we had extra people at our house.  Roger’s brother, Nate, had flown in for the service as well, and it was good to see him again. My sister and her husband came down for the celebration of life service also. They were unable to stay for the whole thing, but it was good to see them again. 

 Somehow I anticipated that once we cried through that ceremony, we would be on our way to healing. I do believe that we are on the way to healing, but grief is a funny thing. It comes in waves, and so many stages, and at times you can go back and forth between the stages of grief. I found myself driving alone in the car this past week as I had run an errand for Roger. On the way home, a song came on the radio, and I sobbed. I don’t know the last time I sobbed like that, gut-wrenching, hiccuping cries. I had the sense of mind to pull into a parking lot and eventually all the tears were cried out (at least for that day!). Life is forever different, and I’m generally not a fan of change. 

Depression is a real and active enemy in our household right now as I see Roger struggle with it, and I know that I am as well. I could hear it in Roger’s voice as he was coming home from work this past week. I think Roger is also very overwhelmed. It’s not just work as Roger enjoys his job, but also the fact that he attended a meeting after work one day this week on top of long, long days. The responsibilities do not lessen  just because there are other things happening in our lives. We still have parenting responsibilities, our marriage commitment, church responsibilities, school responsibilities, as well as just life...sometimes it’s just a wee (lot bit!) overwhelming! Oh, I am so thankful that God’s grace sustains and strengthens us! 

Our children needed the distraction of their friends this week, and Roger and I treasured moments of conversation with other like-minded adults. Beka and Jared are very dear friends to us, and it was our pleasure to host them for a few days. Emma savored the moments with other girls in our house, as that is not generally the case! She loved having “older” sisters this week, and the boys enjoyed their time also. Moments to treasure thats for sure! 

I hope I’m not coming across as a negative Nellie! There were lots of great things from this past week, but there sure have been some discouraging moments of late. Communication struggles, discouragements, and battles that the Devil constantly throws at me sometimes threaten to steal my joy. Truth is though that real joy is not found from circumstances or situations, but rather from my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It’s the reason that I can smile at our neighbors, love our children, muddle through uncertainties and discouragement, and still say through it all that “God is good.” 

Kingjamesbibleonline.org

Hard Days & Deep Emotions

One thing is for sure- 2020 is going to be a year to remember! To be honest, I’ve always been one to tell my children, “Enjoy where you are at. Enjoy the age you are now. Etc.” And now I’m the one that wants to hurry up and put 2020 in behind us! I know that God knows exactly where we are at, and He knows what we are feeling. I’m thankful that God created us with emotions so that we can experience joy, peace, love,etc. Experiencing deep sorrow and sadness and loss are not my favorite emotions, but those are needed emotions also. This has been a week of experiencing those latter mentioned emotions. 

On Thursday we attended the burial of Kevin, Roger’s boss, our friend, a mentor to our children, and to be honest this was the closest person that our children have known that has passed away. Kevin was like a grandparent to our children, and they have experienced such deep sadness and sorrow. As we stood at the grave on Thursday, among the last to leave the cemetery, I felt as though my heart was breaking as I listened to my children cry at the graveside. I don’t think I will ever, ever have that memory erased from my mind. 

The burial service was held at a cemetery right near the airport. Our boys were asked if they wanted to join the pall bearers, and they all said that they wanted to do that. The line guys at Roger’s work helped the boys feel included, and I was thankful for that. There were a few chairs at the graveside service, as most of us stood. When Terry came and took her seat, Emma went and sat on the grass right by Terry’s chair. Travis, Wyatt and Garett all sat down by Emma, while Chandler stood right by my elbow. I hadn’t planned on Emma sitting down right by Terry’s chair, but Emma and Terry seemed to need each other. As Terry held back tears as well as let them flow, Emma just scooted closer and closer to her chair. Emma, herself, did not cry at the funeral but Wyatt, Travis and Chandler were all so exhausted from the tears by the end of the service. As a parent, it is so hard to watch your children go through difficult things. I can’t fix this for them. Life will never be the same, and it’s just hard. We’ve been so blessed to have Kevin and Terry in our lives, and Kevin will be so, so missed. Even now, I can’t write this without soaking through a pile of tissues beside my bed. 

At the small luncheon following the funeral, we had the opportunity to sit at a table with one of Kevin’s old friends. Oh, it was so good to hear him tell funny stories to our kids about the adventures that he and Kevin had together. Laughter is good medicine. Chandler did tell me on the way home, that he really appreciated that he could wear a t shirt and shorts to the funeral! Kevin rarely wore a tie, and in honor of that, all the pilots and crew wore their company t shirts. Our boys also have company T-shirts, and they were happy to not have to dress up. Garett wouldn’t have minded, but Chandler seems to get a rash whenever he has to wear dress clothes! (Not really, but if it’s possible to be allergic to dress clothes, Chandler would have that allergy!) 

Please continue to keep Terry in your prayers. She is a dear friend, and a strong lady. We love her dearly. No one ever expects these things to happen. I know that I envisioned Kevin mentoring Garett in flying, encouraging Chandler’s entrepreneurship, coming to school programs, graduations, and life events. But  that is not the case. We are faced with grief and changes. I’m thankful that God knows our emotions, and that He loves us more than I can fathom. Even when I do not understand, I know that His love is greater than I can fathom.

We’ve had a few other distractions this week, and we’ve been thankful for friendships, laughter, and sunshine! My friend, Bethany watched our children on Thursday afternoon, and it was such an encouragement to our children to have the opportunity to play with some of their friends again. Our friend, Art and Damaris, called us to tell us that they're thinking and praying for us. It was just so encouraging to hear their voices. 

We also received school recommendations from our governor today. To say that I’m overwhelmed would be another understatement. Nothing seems to get any easier! Please continue to pray for school this fall, wisdom, discernment, and just some good news! 

There’s an old hymn that I have had constantly on my mind the last few days. Part of it states, “When the days are weary, the long nights dreary, I know my Savior cares. Oh yes, He cares.” So, so thankful that Jesus cares for us. 

Peace in the Storm

One of our sons....Garett

It’s unusual for me to not have much to write about, but my heart is so very full. It’s just inexpressible right now. Tomorrow will be a hard day for Terry, her extended family, PIA, and our family as well. Grief comes in waves and stages, and we all process things differently. Today we had plenty to do at home to keep us busy, but instead we headed down to the ocean for a while. There is something very calming about observing God’s creation at the ocean. We discovered several jellyfish, some sea glass, and some of the kids even waded in the ocean. The housework and chores were still waiting for me when we arrived home...surprise! We’d appreciate your prayers for tomorrow as well as for Sunday. We just need a lot of Jesus around here! He’s our Rock, our Comfort, and in Whom we trust. 

When Life Is Not All Roses and Just Feels like Thorns!

                                                Photo credit:   https://truthinpalmyra

“Who is my only confidence? Christ alone, Christ alone.”  This song is here.  During these days of tumultuous emotions, I take rest in Christ. We are all very much processing the death of Kevin, Roger’s boss. God has been so faithful. 

This week will be attending the burial for Kevin, the celebration of life this Sunday, as well as welcoming a few friends for a few days. It’s amazing how the week can be long and short at the same time! On Sunday afternoon, I took the kids to visit Terry (Kevin’s wife). It was a hard visit for us, but yet so good at the same time. The kids all wanted to see and to hug Terry. Emma has no idea how to deal with death, so she was a bit sillier than I would’ve liked to see. Chandler and Wyatt both shed tears and sobs of broken hearts. Travis and Garett both kept their distance. I feel that Travis is expressing his grief through more emotions at home. I’m a little concerned that Garett is holding back on expressing his grief, but I’m just asking God to speak to his heart. It gives me great comfort to know that God is the God of all comfort. He goes before us, beside us, and He carries us at times. While talking with Terry, talk of the burial and the celebration of life service came up. Emma heard “celebration” and immediately turns to Terry and says, “What kind of cake are we having for the celebration?” I could’ve crawled under the couch! Thankfully, Terry just laughed as she realized that Emma’s thought of “celebration” was a bit different from what we were talking about! 

The truth of the matter is that life cannot all be roses, and sometimes when we are already facing discouragement or hardship, we just seem to get more of the same! I recognize the attack of Satan to get me to feel more defeated and alone, and it’s another opportunity to cry out to my Heavenly Father for His wisdom, love and guidance. I attended an event yesterday where I felt left out and excluded. Ever been somewhere where there are people around you and you still feel alone? Yes, that was me yesterday. It’s a matter that is dear to my heart, but what to do, I have no idea. 

How often it seems during these recent events in our country that we assume things. We assume if someone doesn’t think like us that they must not like us. We assume that we cannot  have interaction with someone who doesn’t think like us because we won’t be able to agree to disagree. We assume the worst of people, and unfortunately it’s both Christian and non- Christian alike. As a Christian, I have no desire to break fellowship with someone over something that is not a doctrinal issue. I want to respond in love both in word and in deed. Do I always? Um...no. However, that would be my goal and my desire. As an American citizen, I want to get along with those around me and live peaceably when possible. That doesn’t mean that I am required to lay down at the feet of every whim of those around me, but it means that I should respect other fellow citizens who also might differ in their opinion. 

I recently had a long conversation with a friend about some of the matters in our state versus the state that she lives in. A lot of the the struggles run along the same veins as what we have here. Satan is fighting hard on all fronts for “neighbor to be against neighbor” “Mother against child”, etc. And we must fight against that! Whether or not churches should resume all ministries; whether or not school should re-open; masks or no-masks; vaccine or no vaccine; and the list goes on and on and on and on. I’ve given up on posting just about anything on social media because people can’t agree to disagree nicely. I will comment on certain news station headlines, etc., but I’ll never go back and read the comments because people are just mean and unkind. We have a massive problem in our world and in our country, and it stems from a broken world. “There is none righteous, no, not one” (Romans)  and “Every man did that which was right in their own eyes” (Judges) ....do you see the problem? Apart from God, we base everything on our own will and our desires. When the standard for right and wrong, good and bad, true and false, righteous and evil, love and hate are built upon everyone doing what is right in their own eyes, massive and widespread dysfunction results. The good news is that even in the midst of chaos, confusion, and conflict, God has not forgotten us. God desires a personal relationship with you and with me. I have no idea what the future holds, but I know I serve the God who does know what the future holds. I know that my feelings and emotions are vulnerable and hurting right now, and I know that God cares. I know that the days seem long,  but I know that God cares. 

Deep Sadness and Deep Love

It has been an overwhelming and heartbreaking few days and that is a gross understatement. On Sunday night, Roger called me and with his voice breaking with emotion, he told me that his boss, Kevin, had unexpectedly passed away. I started sobbing, and my heart is broken. Kevin was so much more than a boss to our family. He was one of Roger’s dearest friends. He gave Garett his first official flying lesson. He welcomed all of our kids into his office with a smile and, “Hey kids, the fridge is stocked (with sodas).” When he asked how you were doing, he took the time to really listen. He was always busy, but always willing to listen. When I was discouraged and frustrated with the state of our nation and state, he listened. He always ended his conversations with a hug, a smile, and “You count.” I don’t have the words to describe how much he will be missed by just our family alone much less the hundreds and thousands of lives he has touched. 

Breaking the news to my children will forever be on my list of the hardest things I have ever done. There was not enough of me to go around as every child needed a hug, a comforting touch, and words of love. Mr. Kevin was their friend too, and I know their hearts are hurting. Needless to say there was not much sleeping going on around here on Sunday night. We all needed to be with Roger, but we are instead over 21 hours away visiting my family in Wisconsin. Three of our five kids immediately stated that they wanted to go home right away. I know they are still in deep shock, and it’ll take a while for his death to become real...to all of us. Roger and I spent time talking and praying about what we should do, and we decided that it would probably be best if the kids and I stuck with the original plan of returning home on Friday. As much as we want to be together, our kids also need this time with my parents. We’ve certainly been reminded that life is short and that we don’t know when death will come knocking. 

I know I’m going to want to write more about Kevin, but my heart is just so overwhelmed that it’s hard to process any cognitive thoughts. Garett told me last night that his favorite memory  is when he got to go flying with Mr. Kevin. Garett’s first official flying lesson will forever be a favorite memory. Our children only have good memories of Kevin, and their love for him is deep and pure. Chandler and Garett were remembering just the time a few weeks ago when they flew in the float plane with Kevin up to the northern camp for the day. Our kids have fond memories of meals at our house, laughter and adventures, Kevin’s offers of allowing the boys to hang out at the airport, cold sodas, surprise birthday parties, hugs and affection, and the security of knowing that they were loved by Kevin. He will be missed. 

Our hearts are overwhelmed. Our hearts are broken. Our hearts are seeking the comfort of our Heavenly Father. Our hearts are resting in the peace that our Heavenly Father gives to us. 

 We could use an extra measure of grace, and please uphold Kevin’s wife in your prayers with us. 

Pictures!

                 The fishing rig! 

Papa showing Travis how to drive the four wheeler 

                                                                           Fish! 

Fun attic treasures! 

All tired out! 

Wisconsin life! 

 

We’ve been busy the last few days! Jenn and I clean out out my parents basement and got ready to have a yard sale. We haven’t made much money, but the basement is clean! 

The boys have been fishing, four wheeling, camping, and enjoying hours outside. Emma has also been outside a lot running through the sprinkler, going shopping with mom and Aunt Jen, and Nana and eating IN a restaurant. 

We’ve been enjoying the memories and the opportunities to visit with my parents. The weather has been very, very hot here, and unfortunately no public pools are open here this summer. We are thankful for the blessings of visiting with family. It’s been especially nice to not see signs everyone ordering you to wear a mask. When we were shopping last night Emma asked at every store, “Do we have to wear a mask here?” It’s very hot, so I am very thankful that it is not a requirement. I read an interesting article stating that the governments do not have the authority to mandate a mask....interesting. I’m not opposed to others wearing a mask as I’ve said before. Here Is the article that I am referring.