Digging out of the mud!

So, my life feels like a mud puddle, my emotions are raw, and depression and weariness are heavy on my heart. (Don't look so amazed...you've been there too!) Please understand that I'm not trying to gather sympathy or anything else. I'm merely explaining where I'm coming from...and this is the calmed down version of my writings!  And keep in mind, that my blogging is my life journal; and someday I'll want to go back and read my entries.

            

For the last few weeks now, I've been feeling down, discouraged, and battling depression. I consider myself to be a fairly upbeat person, smiley, trying to see the best in others, and trying to see and meet the needs of those around me.  However, lately I've just been wanting to crawl under the covers and curl up. I think somewhat just to find out if anyone would notice. 

There are lots of dynamics to this equation but perhaps the greatest reason is that for the first time in several long months, I've given myself permission to really think. For the last several months, I've just been trying to keep my head above water and survive. Now that our family is back together, satan is using differnt tactics to attack us. However in thinking, I'm coming to realize that this is not where I anticipated our family being at Christmas. Homeschooling is hard work for me, my husband is feeling the stress of a lot of different decisions, I feel like I pour my heart and my soul into various friends and my family, but it's not always reciprocated like I was anticipating. I'm tired of the Holy Spirit gently reminding me to text that person, bring this one some coffee, stop by that persons home and see how their doing, calling, writing notes...in truth, I'm  just weary. 

Did you know that in the six months my husband was gone, he can count on one hand the people that called, texted, or wrote a note? No wonder he feels tired and discouraged himself. I fear that we are two drowning people with one leaking raft between us. I wonder what would be different in our lives if someone had reached out their hand to him. Did anyone feel the Holy Spirits prompting and just not respond?! 

So, I am certain that I am not the only person that has ever felt this way! And now I'm working on digging out of the mud. I know that these aren't instant solutions, but I'm hoping that as I dwell on the truths I know to be true, I'll find myself feeling better.

Whenever someone asks my dad how he is doing, he always replys, "oh, better than I deserve." How true that is! I am much better than I deserve. I know I have a home in heaven, a husband that loves me far more than I deserve, five beautiful children, and so many more things. Counting my blessings is helping me focus on all that God has already blessed me with. 

Joy...Jesus first, others second, yourself last. I'm still plugging away at my Bible reading schedule, and I'm working on putting my children's and husbands needs above my own. So, yes, I crawl out of bed in the morning, do all the things that mamas and wives do, and keep trying to respond joyfully to all the Holy Spirits pricks on encouraging or helping others around me. Today, I had a difficult time focusing on joy. It's been a long week and I splurged and bought coffee from McDonald's for my mom and I. When we arrived at school, Garett eagerly asked if he could bring the coffee inside. I hesitantly replied yes because the parking lot is slippery. He assured me that he would be very careful. However, he had just picked up the coffee and closed the car door when his feet slipped out from under him and there went the coffee! He felt absolutely terrible, and he was very upset. The Lord helped me keep my mouth shut, and I assured him that I knew it was an accident; and it could've happened to anyone. And God helped me survive the morning without coffee. 

I need to remember to focus on what is true. Philippians 4:8 encourages us to focus on what is true, lovely, pure, honest, and of good report. My feelings aren't always an accurate measurement of what is true, and I need to be reminded of that. 

While I feel very lonely right now, and my poor husband doesn't really know how to help me, I know that the promises of God are still true. He will always be with me. He loves me. He's forgiven me. He doesn't withhold good gifts from his children. I am His child. 

Psalms 61:2

From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.